I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
