She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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