Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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