You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My life is pants optional.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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