i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
