I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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