yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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