Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
