I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
