This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My dick has a subreddit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
