I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
