I wish my penis had an off switch
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize