He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
