is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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