My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
