Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
