if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
