id be glad to
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
