you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize