The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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