You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
and you fell through a lawn chair
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
