She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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