I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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