I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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