I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
