My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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