i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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