She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize