I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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