i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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