This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
