I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
