Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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