I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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