I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
