i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
