I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
