Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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