Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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