good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
