you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
