I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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