yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
