i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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