My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
