I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
