I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
