The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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