Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
