I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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