wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
