They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
