I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
