New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
