i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
