So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
