I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My ass is underappreciated
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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