you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
