i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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