before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
